Long time in the works

I give great credit to my Friends at Sho Time(c) for writing the show Californication. I actually find that I only write meaningful things after watching a few episodes, this of course is due to the fact the the main character is a writer and I think he finds his muse in the show.....I find the show as my muse.  I have the benefit of having a long time friend as a name in the credits and this makes the show even more connected.  I tend to watch each episode more than once, due to the fact the first viewing is usually in a drunk, and then when I watch it again I get the jist of it that I can remember.  The latest episode used a similar quote to which I have used in the past, I'm not sure if it was coincidence or if I just let my worlds collide but "the muse" said "It is hard to have a long term relationship with someone else's potential"....My long term saying is that "You should never fall in love with potential."  I don't see much difference between the two quotes. 

This past year I experienced many ups and downs, I have left a "second" life for a Third, now understand that I am happy with the 3rd and still kind of lost on the second, I knew that building a house would come to an end and that I would have to move on to the third but at the time it was not as easy as it would seem.  I think we (I) could not imagine ever being in a position to have to make these choices.  I am working on the issues of happy vs. unknowing. 

During this time the 3rd life has convinced me that seeking help is a benefit and not a detriment.  Serving in the Marine Corps for 4 years during the first major conflict the U.S.A. had been in since Viet Nam has earned me some "street cred" so to speak, and as such I am seeking the treatments and medical care that is allotted me.  This is not something that I would have done in the past years, I see it as a weakness that has been weighing heavy on me for a long time....The good news is I am now getting that help.  I need to say thanks to the people who basically made me seek the help.  I have the appointments scheduled, and am actually looking forward to the results. Either way I will have the answers I need. 

On the issue of Addicted to an Addict.....
Post Deleted.......

Smile and Eyes.....

   Writers block sucks, never thought I would have it, considering the fact that I have written more in the past year than I did my entire career of high school.  But the subject of Smile and Eyes has me thinking a bit more clear these days.  It has become kind of fetish of mine lately and after just attending my 25th high school reunion, well it really hit home.  We all change, some lose hair, some get grey, some get skinny and some gain weight but Smiles and Eyes don't change, I looked in the eyes of many old friends this weekend.  The familiarity of a persons face becomes a deep seated feeling when you see that one moment, it's candid, you cant make it happen, it just happens in an instant, it makes you remember why that person be it a man or a woman, is still a person that you want to be around.  Someone to share a drink with, Someone to miss when your gone for a couple days, or for 20 years. It takes a while to figure out what that one flash of time means, but when you see it, you know....

Changing subject.

Some of you know that I have been in transition for some time, well it seems that today just may be the one year aniversary...Seems odd to think that it could happen so fast, Seperate, move, get moved, settle in and move again....anyway today I realized that I am following a story line that some of you may not care about,  wouldn't really say care other than some have said "who cares"  well in this case I care.  I am doing property maintenance right now and see my self between two worlds.  The one I left a year ago and the one I am living right now.  I visit the old life on occasion, and am reminded of the comforts of a long built life, but then I also visit the life of today, and am reminded of a contrite exsistance that I am trying to grow out of.  I deal with people on a daily basis who can't change a light bulb and I wonder if they are that stupid or that lonely, that they just need me to be in thier house for an hour giving them somenone to talk to.  Then I wonder where will my life move me to in the next chapter.  What I do know is this.  You can fix your problems 9 out of 10 times, just by trying, and here a year later, I have fixed 8 out of 10 of mine, not quite to par as I pointed out, I'm still working on number 9 and may sometime get to number 10 but know this for sure.(fo sho)  I have moved beyond the regret phase of this mourning and am moving to the I'm done talking about it phase.  Future blogs when they come will be about things other than my past life and who I was because these days I have a hard time remembering who I was, but am working my ass off to figure out who  I am becoming.

Lyrical thoughts

We could have had it all.....But I took the time to ruin it.  many times in my writings I have shown the victim....why me... why am I like this and why do you stay with me.  Yes these blogs are writings to a woman I loved for many years, you the reader are the audience.  These are not things that should be public knowledge, they are not things that I wish to share with anyone but her, but since I can't bring myself to the healing point with her I would rather let them be out for everyone to relate to.

My timline is truth, my childhood was filled with the same shit that most of you endured.  You have told me that you relate to what I am writing because you lived the same issues.  I appreciate that you can relate.  I really do. but what I still don't understand is the other side.  If you are following my posts you probably relate to the "been there done that" side of the post,

But for those of you that are following because you are in love with someone like me I want you to let me know why. I drunk, no thats not a typo, but more like a statement of fact.  I don't drink to enjoy I drink to get drunk, and I know that I am not the best person to be around when I have been "drunking"...I have been told that I am a fun person to be around when I drink, but not the same person when I am making the decision to "drunk"...I smoke, and in todays world that is equal to being an outcast.  I met a guy a few years back...his name was Jack.  he smokes.  we related our smoking, and we agreed that in the world of addiction, smoking is the least offensive.  Yes we smell at the end of the day and yes we probably don't plan on running for our health, but we can shower, and we can walk, and if we die of cancer, you were right, but if we live to be 100 we smoked and we enjoyed it.

 Now the gambling issue.  this is the one I can't wrap my head around.  I don't want to be broke, I don't want to make excuses, but damn it I want to risk it.  Simply put I can figure out a way to come up with the living expense even if it is at your expense.  It is you the Addicted to me person that I rely on to get by to the next paycheck.  You pay my bills, you believe my lies (eventhough I know you don't believe them) and you don't ask questions about how or why I could be broke again.  You have seen the check come in and then didn't ask where the money went..Why????   Be constructive on this one, I am not looking for condolence or for forgiveness, I am looking for some solid answers.  When it comes to money why do you stay with or love a person who dumps it daily at the tables????  and no I didn't just come from the casino, I am just putting this out so I can get some clarity on what could stop the trend.

The High School years Part 1.....

I started writing about my life in hopes that it would lead someone who read my first blog to realize what being addicted to an addict was all about.  I am beginning to realize that as I write these I am finding that my first posts "are" me, but who I was is just the opposite I was clearly not only an addict but I too was addicted to an addict. 

High School.....basically the best of the worst times in any ones life.  Yes the cliche is that it was the best of times it was the worst of times but when I say it out loud I realize that we remember the best of our "worst" times in our lives.  We remember our first love, for some of us our first 2 or 3 loves, we remember that day on the Sr. lawn sitting in the sun looking up at the 60 foot pine and wondering "who actually cut the top of that tree", we remember the best.....of our worst times.

We didn't look forward to our first day of high school, not the way we said we did, we didn't like everyone we knew, the way we said we did, and I surely (note I was going to say we here but I can't speak for everyone) didn't have the home life that I said I did. 

My brother was off to be an adult after graduation.  So there I was a freshman after mill in, getting only 4 of the 7 classes I really wanted, not having a clue where any of them were. I am sure I missed every other class after home room for the first week until I could figure out the map.  The map in my freshman orientation binder that I was afraid to carry because of the consequences of being caught with a freshman packet by anyone older and in a higher grade.

My freshman year started off rough, I was a misfit in a crowd of many misfits all of us looking for new approval, hell we were all famous in Jr. High, but now we were at the bottom of the barrel in the freshman parade.  By this point in my life I had realized I could handle most anything if I was high.  Smoking pot was an out for many but my history with it was a little different.

OK this is one of those truths that have kept me from posting lately because if I am going to do this I need to be honest.  But I did things later in life that would contradict this issue and many more to come.  Things I said to people who made job decisions, who made life decision. who made relationships, will most likely contradict this fact.  I made a deal when I was 6 that I would quit smoking pot.....No its not a typo when I was 6.  I joke about this a lot with people who know me and who know my mother but the fact is back in the early 70s hippy parents didn't think of benedryl as the cure all for a hyper child, but learned early on that a puff of smoke in the face would put a grumpy kid to sleep in no time. 

(I want to justify this I really do but the fact is this, if I try justifying this and protecting her actions, I am simply showing addiction to my addict mother,  in this case I will let you draw your own conclusions.)

So as you can imagine I didn't smoke out as a habit at that age, I didn't have a dealer, I didn't have access I just seemed to always be around when the pipe was lit in our house.  I imagine there were many years that I never smoked, but I know that in my freshman year I did.  I stole small amounts of pot from the in house stash just to keep me and a select few stoned when being a freshman got a little out of control.

This was the beginning of the best of the worst years of my life.

A Tribute to a beautiful soul

I am jumping way ahead right now only because of the situation.  I want to express to everyone that a friend of mine died just before Christmas the details are vague as to why she died, but she died and when that happens you have to take a step back and ask yourself "Why".  Not the question of how but the question of why her and not someone else, not you, not me but why her.  Two beautiful kids both college age one graduated this year back in June.  "Why" 

I think I said a few days ago that my brother noted that I had stopped crying as a kid when I found out that my grandfather had died.  Well I cried yesterday, I had my days back in May and June when I cried out of self pity and how could I put myself in this position, blah blah, but yesterday I "cried" for the right reason, a person I knew, (not a close friend, or girlfriend) but a person I knew DIED.  I have experienced death over the years, probably more than most after being in the Marines, I didn't get emotional over any of them.  My Father died and I went hunting the same day, my Uncle died and I don't think I blinked, My Grandmother died and I couldn't look at her body in the morgue.  But a person who took the time reach out to me when my life was spiraling south, Died.  I had to take note.  I would have attended her funeral and her reception if I had to walk to get there.

I met her sisters, or probably re-met her sisters, I met her husband, and most importantly I met her kids, she shines through them you can tell that she did it right. she was a force of a mother, she raised her kids to a level of responsibility that most kids these days don't have.    One son, One daughter, both looking at the future and not having a mom to call on.  I am 42 and my mother is still around so I am having a hard time understanding this.  I called my friend the week before she died and left her a voice mail,  I asked how she was and wondered why she never responded.....I assumed she was busy. 

Take the time to think about your one friend, the one you take for granted.  Don't let the voice mail be your last attempt to contacting them, because as I found out in the middle of December your voice mail may go unanswered......

Jumping the time line, had a thought..."Its not about the Money, it's about the Game"

Give credit to some writer somewhere who gave that line to Michael Douglass in Wall Street, Money never sleeps.....OK the legal part is over now the funny thing is this, I quoted this line while watching the movie for the first time because I have lived it.  Gamblers don't don't care about the money, we want to win, we really do, we know we can win, and we will continue to prove this point until we have no money left to prove it with.  I have sat in a casino for 20+ hours str8, only getting up to use the bathroom or to have a smoke,  I have joked that I didn't even know they served food in Reno...But what it comes down to is the simple fact that it isn't about the money, its about the game.  A game that has cost me hundreds of thousands over the past 20 years.  I intend to delve into this isse in great detail but wanted to catch that thought while it was fresh. 

If you are trying to understand a gambler....you have to understand that one key point.  From there we can build but if you don't accept that one fact you will enable and you will excuse the behavior.  It took her 16 years to figure that one out.  I hope it doesn't take you as long.