We could have had it all.....But I took the time to ruin it. many times in my writings I have shown the victim....why me... why am I like this and why do you stay with me. Yes these blogs are writings to a woman I loved for many years, you the reader are the audience. These are not things that should be public knowledge, they are not things that I wish to share with anyone but her, but since I can't bring myself to the healing point with her I would rather let them be out for everyone to relate to.
My timline is truth, my childhood was filled with the same shit that most of you endured. You have told me that you relate to what I am writing because you lived the same issues. I appreciate that you can relate. I really do. but what I still don't understand is the other side. If you are following my posts you probably relate to the "been there done that" side of the post,
But for those of you that are following because you are in love with someone like me I want you to let me know why. I drunk, no thats not a typo, but more like a statement of fact. I don't drink to enjoy I drink to get drunk, and I know that I am not the best person to be around when I have been "drunking"...I have been told that I am a fun person to be around when I drink, but not the same person when I am making the decision to "drunk"...I smoke, and in todays world that is equal to being an outcast. I met a guy a few years back...his name was Jack. he smokes. we related our smoking, and we agreed that in the world of addiction, smoking is the least offensive. Yes we smell at the end of the day and yes we probably don't plan on running for our health, but we can shower, and we can walk, and if we die of cancer, you were right, but if we live to be 100 we smoked and we enjoyed it.
Now the gambling issue. this is the one I can't wrap my head around. I don't want to be broke, I don't want to make excuses, but damn it I want to risk it. Simply put I can figure out a way to come up with the living expense even if it is at your expense. It is you the Addicted to me person that I rely on to get by to the next paycheck. You pay my bills, you believe my lies (eventhough I know you don't believe them) and you don't ask questions about how or why I could be broke again. You have seen the check come in and then didn't ask where the money went..Why???? Be constructive on this one, I am not looking for condolence or for forgiveness, I am looking for some solid answers. When it comes to money why do you stay with or love a person who dumps it daily at the tables???? and no I didn't just come from the casino, I am just putting this out so I can get some clarity on what could stop the trend.
Ok, I'll try, but it isn't a question you are asking. You'd been trying to ruin it, sabotage, and she kept taking more. Now when it sounded like you were approaching some kind of healthy, you dove back in.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are asking is how could you have made her leave you like you wanted her to.