MM&M part 4, moving past the craziness of being a kid

The arguing as I saw it was normal for our house, but what I didn't know was the reason or that there was physical abuse, I was young, I don't think I ever actually saw him hit her but I know it happened.  I also never asked, I did however make it my mission to hate him for hitting her.  I don't know if my brother ever took it on the jaw so I wouldn't have to but I can not recall the stepfather ever hitting me.  He would yell, make you feel like you were less of a person because you weren't his actual son.  I was getting old enough to understand more of what happening. 

We had that house with the little fence and the great appearance of normalcy from the outside, but on the inside we were a wreck.  I think this was about the time frame when I started getting mouthy, not at home, no way that would have been the end of life I'm sure but I was more than happy to take my anger out on teachers, and even though I don't have specifics I know I was a mean spirited 4th, grader.  I don't know if I just wanted to act out at school because I couldn't at home but I know that I must have been a handful for the staff.  I remember kicking sawdust on a girl in the playground because she wouldn't let me play on the tires with her.  I didn't just kick it on her I tried to bury her head in it.  The whole while she cried and I just kept throwing it on her. 

Side note:  I am trying to figure out when I started to be an ass.  There is no doubt that it was early on, I have people remind me of what an ass I was.  So I am working out the idea that because I was an ass that young I may have learned to hide that I was when I was around people of authority or around people who I really liked.  I don't know if you would call me a bully, I was 45 lbs soaking wet, the only thing holding me together was skin and bones so who knows.

In elementary school this is the only instance of being real mean to someone that I readily remember, I think her name was Cary, I know she had a sister but I have no idea her last name and I have no idea what her sisters name was, but to remember that I think it made a serious impression on me. It wasn't until around 6th grade that I actually started to get caught in my antics and that is when my grades started to drop and my care for or like of school really started to fail.  My grandfather died during this time also, he was the first person in my life who died, no one explained it to me and no one told me about it until after his funeral.  I started to actually learn to hate people at that time.  My brother says that was the last time he saw me cry as a kid.  I just started to internalize my pain for everything, the fighting in the house, my mother not leaving him, my mother not being around at night, my step dad always with a Coors in his hand and leading his house by by using fear.

Was I a mean kid by nature?  Was a good kid with a mean streak?  Was it that I needed a little medication to calm the nerves?  I don't remember being diagnosed with any of the current ailment that kids have, attention deficit, hyper activity, etc..  but I do believe I was a poster child for most of those. 

Around 6th grade, my brother was getting ready leave, he was 17, or 18 and was ready to get away from our house, the violence in our house was reaching new highs with hospital trips and arrests for physical abuse.  This is when I think I actually started to drink.

MM&M summer before 3rd grade and later. Chapter 3

Don't get caught up on my timeline, It may be like that chapter in the book your reading that you really cant wait to be done with. I  am trying to keep it all in order so I don't leave anything out.  If my 3rd grade is of no interest to you please don't assume that I am not trying to get to a specific point that relates to my original subject.  Addicted to an Addict.  I will get the underlying information in place, I think this chapter is very much about an addict who was addicted to an addict....if that makes sense.

Before I move off the living in Citrus Heights, I was just reminded about pets.  Odd subject for this I know but I remember we had a Black lab in the duplex, and he was on a chain in the back yard most of his short life, my step dad made the chain long enough so the dog could run the yard, and I am not sure if it was purposefull or not but I think he believed the dog could jump the fence and when the dog did he hung himself.  did I mention my step father had just returned from Viet Nam and I think he had lost it when he was over there.  PTSD and Agent Orange are my thoughts.

So we move to Auburn, and yes it is the summer of 3rd grade for me, I am living a block from Lincoln Way elementary, have an older brother who actually wasn't to ashamed of having a little brother, and wanting to do things like play catch, teach me how to kick the football, etc.  In fact it was that same year that I won the local punt pass and kick competition.  (thanks bro) he never could teach me how to hit a baseball though.  Some of you probably know him or knew him when he was local to Auburn, but unlike many families that were in Auburn, when we grew up, Doug and I never had the same last name and we were aged just far enough apart to have never attended the same school in Auburn during the same time. It kind of made for the only child feeling, once school started.

Anyway the argueing continued at our house, I don't think I really thought about the arguing as being a bad thing, I was busy doing something and they would close the door and argue, or I would be in bed and my door would be closed and I could hear them in the other room, but at that age I still don't think I knew exactly what it was, or what it was about.  I looked forward to the new school though.  (If you know me personally, this is most likely the time of our lives when we met,.). It is also the summer that I took that damn I.Q. test, I don't why or where I took it but I remember taking it, and I remember the screaming match at the house on whether or not I should be placed into the M.G.M. program at Lincoln way,  Mentally Gifted Minors, which then became G.A.T.E. (gifted and talented education).  All I wanted was to fit in as a new kid on the block but then every wednesday morning we were swept away to a portable and taught I don't know what, as I remember it was mostly cultural things, arts crafts, etc.  I am not actually sure this happened in 3rd grade as much as I know it happened in 4th.  anyway I met a lot of new people during this transition to Auburn and at the same time I started to understand what the arguments in the other rooms were all about....

Answering a couple of questions, (sideline to the issues)

I was about 3 when he left, as I remember it.  and My mother had Ovarian Cysts that basically ended in her not being able to have any more kids...

MM&M chapter 2 the younger years in Auburn

I am not sure we would have moved to Auburn, it hadn't been for some unforseen issues.  My stepfather and my mother were on the outs and she got sick, real sick (I didn't remember this but my brother reminded me last may when we were able to sit and talk)  She seemed to have health problems a lot when I was young, and honestly she still does but in this case we moved out of the CH duplex and moved to a part of Sac, town that nobody wants to live in, in fact you don't want to drive through there on most nights.  So, we move (day 1), she gets sick (day 3 or 4) and ends up in the hospital for at least a week, maybe more, my brother and I end up staying with guess who?  yup back to the step dads house for  a week or two while mom is in the hospital....well while we spend our days in Citrus Heights, and mom is the hospital, our new rental is basically vacant, my brother sees this opportunity to enjoy CH, as he was actually held up for his lunch money the first day of school. but when my mom gets out of the hospital, we return home to find that our house had been robbed, and they took it all, and I mean all of it, the T.V. the appliances, the whatever, the only thing left was some random clothes that obviously didn't fit any kids they know.  It seemed that this was enough for my mom to reconcile with him.  We then found out that his grandfather had died and his grandmother was ill and was living in Hiltop Manor so we moved into thier house immediately.  If any of you visited me when we were kids, I lived across from the Veterans Hall in Auburn, an old Victorian house 2 doors down from the original Film Works offices.  The house was 2 bedrooms upstairs, large living area small kitchen, but a huge basement area that had an extra room and bath, along with a very large workshop.   So this begins the summer before 3rd grade.

Memories, memoires, and Me

O.K. my goal in the first post was to ask why do you fall in love with a guy like me who has major addiction issues.  JD, I know you don't see it yet but I am not writing this blog for sympathy or disbelief, I have major addiction problems, and all the problems that go with that.  Moving on, to memories, memoires and me,  some of you have known me for many years and some of you are meeting me for the first time, in any case I will not say that it has been a good or bad life so far, but I will not also say that it hasn't been a challenge.  I started out with the basic family, a half brother with a step dad, and a mother who later in life admitted that I wasn't actually the planned second child.  My mother had the normal relationships of the late 60's she was married to my brothers father, then later she met my future step father, in the interim Viet Nam took place and while my future step father went to war my mother dated my soon to become father.  A dream or a memory I'm not sure but I have a vivid vision of the day he walked out of our apt. on Pine st. (Auburn, Ca)  Odd day of snow for Auburn but there it was and the stairs were covered in ice and snow and I just knew that was his trip home.  In fact I'm not sure he even lived with us there but that day he was there and I knew he wasn't coming back.  In retrospect I think my future step father may have been back from Viet Nam and that may have been the issue.  Anyway we soon moved to Citrus Heights to a duplex that as I grew older I only remember as having very thin walls.  The arguments never stopped.  but at the age of 5/6/7 you don't understand the meanings of the arguments, but damn at that age you are interested to know what is going on so you sneak to the door of the closed bedroom to listen. 
I attended school for K/1/and /2 in that area, I don't remember much of it other than I danced the Mexican hat dance at the Bicentennial fair at school.  We soon moved back to Auburn.


Let me know if this is of any interest to any of you and I will continue.  It doesn't seem that it is related to the subject line but I am trying to give you some insight.  I just don't want to type for 6 more hours unless your want to hear it.

Response to those who read my post

Being new to the blog idea, I don't whether to comment back to each of you personally or in a forum so today I shall choose the forum, Unless someone asks directly for me to respond privately.  The issues that I am trying to raise are that if you see me once in a while or even during a good streak you most likely wouldn't notice the Addictions that I hold, I may go outside to have a smoke, or I may only order one drink in the restaurant, but truth be told I probably had a smoke on the way and most likely had a drink before I left.  Jd, I actually think I didn't do either of those things when we met because I wanted to appear "normal" when meeting your husband, I beacame very good at hiding my issues long ago, but my thought on this blog is more about those who are addicted to people like me.  I don't understand it, and I don't think that Co Dependance is the proper description, Dreamnblueyes said something that my previous girlfriend said almost to the T.  She said that she stays there during the bad times because she knows the good times are so much better.  I believe I am a good person, but I also know that my addictions can cause much hurt to those around me, but I also know that I am able to make it better sometimes by avoiding those behaviors when need be.  I had a thought that I lived by when I wanted to be that good person.  I knew that I never made a good decision when I was drinking, and I knew I hardly ever went gambling when I was sober so I was able to kill 2 birds with one stone.  It is these two addictions that were the root of probably 90% of my relationship issues.  To comment on your question about a habit vs. an addiction I have found that habits don't tend to interest me too much, someone once told me that smoking was a disgusting habit....I thought about it for  second and responded with if it were just a habit I would have quit long ago.  some addictions don't hurt anyone, not even yourself but in my case I didn't make good choices when I was looking for my addictions.  Many people choose the line of saying well my parents were alcholics, or drug addicts, or gamblers and in my case I had the full gambit.  I did the Alanon and Alateen programs in highschool at the request of a professional.  I don't think it hurt anything but I also think that it made it perfectly clear that it wasn't fault who they are and how they act, which also says it is only my fault for who I became.
Michaela, on the issue of gambling, I have done much research into why I gamble, from getting a book on how to handicap horses when I was young, to seeing the lights and hearing the bells in the casinos, and when I started to gamble in casinos many years ago I did the limited bankroll idea so I wouldn't be broke and not be able to pay rent or a car payment, but then it seemed that when I would go I really didn't care if I lost.  The allure of the lights and bells went away but the allure of the lifestyle and maybe hitting that one big one that even I could't lose in one night overcame my thoughts about gambling.  I have lost mortgage payments, car payments, credit card payments, the money I had to buy a birthday gift, etc.  I don't go to casino's to be social, I go to be served, everyone is your best friend, you get drinks, you get dinners free rooms etc.  but in reality what you get is sucked into the glam, and I don't know how my thousands of dollars that free room has cost me.  But again sometimes you go when your happy, and more often than not you go when you are not.  If a commission check doesn't cover the mortgage then why not try to double it?  that was my reasoning for a long time, it might still be.  And for 16 years str8 she stayed with me mostly because she knew the better part of me.  I'm not sure at all times I did know the better part of me and that is an issue I am working on.  I would like to discuss these issues with each of you if you have the time and the interest. 

I'm not the one who is addicted I am the addict.

I am 42, male, single and have come to realize that I am the addict, I drink, I smoke and I gamble,  way too much  on all 3 accounts and I know that during the time of my addictions, I have created (harsh word I think) an addict who was addicted to me.  I was once told that the admission of an addiction is the first step ,but I will assure you that it isn't.  You know you smoke, you know you drink, and you know you gamble so how is that any closer to fixing your issues?  It isn't.  Action is the only fix, and by that I mean you need to move past your knowing and get to the working on it part.  I currently haven't done that second part.  I am posting this to ask the question, is it codependance, is it selfishness, or is it just who we are as addicts.  Can we be addicted to addiction?  Is it a mental issue? is it just who we are.  I want this to be about you understanding why you love someone like me, why you think that you can fix me, why you have fallen in love with my "potential", then maybe I will be able to understand more about who I am.  I posed this question on FB and got about 40 responses in less than an hour and not a single response was from a guy. Is this because I don't have any FB friends that are male. Not the case but I think it is because women understand this craziness a little bit more than us boneheads.  I want to offer some insight into why I am who I am.  I have been told that you only change your life when you make a big change in your lifestyle.  I have also heard that when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result you are insane, so I don't where to take this.  feel free to discuss this with me, help me to understand why, or what could bring on such a lifetime of needing to do things that I know are unhealthy.  In most cases I think you can relate to these issues.  You may be just like me, but likely won't admit it, or you may be the other person, the person who is addicted to an addict.