Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I'm not the one who is addicted I am the addict.
I am 42, male, single and have come to realize that I am the addict, I drink, I smoke and I gamble, way too much on all 3 accounts and I know that during the time of my addictions, I have created (harsh word I think) an addict who was addicted to me. I was once told that the admission of an addiction is the first step ,but I will assure you that it isn't. You know you smoke, you know you drink, and you know you gamble so how is that any closer to fixing your issues? It isn't. Action is the only fix, and by that I mean you need to move past your knowing and get to the working on it part. I currently haven't done that second part. I am posting this to ask the question, is it codependance, is it selfishness, or is it just who we are as addicts. Can we be addicted to addiction? Is it a mental issue? is it just who we are. I want this to be about you understanding why you love someone like me, why you think that you can fix me, why you have fallen in love with my "potential", then maybe I will be able to understand more about who I am. I posed this question on FB and got about 40 responses in less than an hour and not a single response was from a guy. Is this because I don't have any FB friends that are male. Not the case but I think it is because women understand this craziness a little bit more than us boneheads. I want to offer some insight into why I am who I am. I have been told that you only change your life when you make a big change in your lifestyle. I have also heard that when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result you are insane, so I don't where to take this. feel free to discuss this with me, help me to understand why, or what could bring on such a lifetime of needing to do things that I know are unhealthy. In most cases I think you can relate to these issues. You may be just like me, but likely won't admit it, or you may be the other person, the person who is addicted to an addict.
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Well, I am not the addict, or addicted to the addict, in fact I tend to avoid them, as I try not to add any undo stress to my life, however, I think about you as a wonderful friend, and I would be very willing to get into a relationship with you as a friend, and we can poke around in your mind, and try to figure some of this out. I have many addicts around me in my life, in many ways... So it may help me in some ways to figure them out as well. I have finished trying to help those who have no desire to help themselves... But I would love to delve into the psychie with you if you are willing? Most are not... I find it an incredible thing that most are not even willing to admit they have a problem with. I smoke, I rarely drink, I rarely gamble, and although I will spend a little money, I can walk away when I know it is probably getting to be more than I should spend on such an activity. I take rx pain meds, but would happily stop them if I could find a surgeon who would operate, in fact I have stopped them many times hoping the pain was gone, but no luck. I guess I was lucky to be born with less of an addictive nature.
ReplyDeleteWow! This is crazy! I have been married to a gambler for 16 years! I can tell u that I love him but hate his disease, addiction whatever! He is an ugly person when he does it, or slides back into it. Many times I have thought about leaving but stay because I do love who he is when he is not gambling. Addiction sucks! I have an in law who is an addict many family members who are addicts and a soon that seems to be starting an addiction! I always think I can help and that is definitely not true. I have been to Gamanon and every time I go it is do depressing. Instead of helping I simply feel closer to divorce, so I stopped going. I guess I have learned to live with it. When he starts looking at stocks on the computer out sports lines, well I figure within a few months we will be broke again! Sad thing is, my kids now notice and they are little still. They askhim to get off the computer or quit watching sports. Its sad that they realize too, when dad is in his addiction. Would it be better to divorce him? I don't think that will help at all. It will just turn into an ugly battle and the kids will suffer even more. I feel really sorry for him and anyone with an addiction! That being said, I feel we all suffer from some sort of addiction, EVERYONE! my drug of choice is exercise! I do it everyday and it makes me feel good! That's what addicts do, right! It makes them feel good so they keep doing it. Who am I to make lodgements on anyone! I do see how it makes my husband feel when he is broke yet again, and he suffers and that is an ugly addiction, or the sign of one. Exercising never makes me feel bad! I dont think that I am addicted to him, I don't think I can really help him! But I love the awesome parts of him that to me out weign the bad!
ReplyDeleteI would love to give you my insight as I was married to two alcoholics and it wasn't until the second one that I had to look at my part in attracting these addicts. First I realized I was a co-dependent and I really believed I could help the addict. I observed addiction as self medication to past issues and not wanting to deal with those issues and also ACCOUNTABILITY. Why would an addict need to take
ReplyDeleteAccountability for their life when those around them cover up for them, make excuses for them, allow them to continue in their addiction. Part of my inner journey to recovery as a co-dependent was reading books about it,going to al anon for those friends and family that are living or have lived with addicts. I also watched the show intervention which documents the relationship between addicts and co-defendants. It was very educational for me to see this from a different perspective. So for me I am no longer a co-dependent, I will no longer be around help, make excuses for an addict. Addicts don't realize that they really affect those around them more in such hurtful ways. I now will not allow an addict to affect my life any longer nor will I watch them self destruct and kill themselves. Only the addict can want to get sober and create a better life for themselves and those around them and First they must be accountable for their actions and their addiction and many don't want to go through the pain of this step. You have to go through the pain in order to heal.
I'm curious, without the titles from psychologists, what is the difference between an addict and a habit, or rather a bad habit. Is it when someone starts getting hurt? The potential to hurt someone?
ReplyDeleteI guess my question comes to this, how are you an addict? I grant you've made changes over the past several months. When I saw you, you don't have certain hallmarks associated with the types of addiction you have mentioned so far. Maybe it is easy (easier) to stop looking at the first title. And while it may have a grain of Truth, or may end up as fact, don't stop looking. It may not be the answer you are really looking for.
Dreaminblueyez, I welcome you to comment and add your input at anytime. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond
ReplyDeleteDion,
ReplyDeleteI have read all your blogs and I believe airing everything out can be a positive thing for you (and some who are reading). I myself was addicted to an addict for almost 4 years and I understand what it is like to be on the other side of the coin, so to speak. I too agree that the good times were so good that in my mind I would diminish the bad things (that were really bad). I came to the realization one day that the love that I had to offer was never going to drown the alcoholism and I found myself in the hardest spot I have ever been, leaving someone I loved because it was healthy for ME. Women by nature are nuturers, fixers, lovers and knowing that I was leaving him to drown in his vodka was excrutiating. With him it got so bad that he was drinking 2 liters of vodka and a 12 pack daily, he would go into sezuires if he didn't drink. At one point he got in his car (sober) and went into a sezuire crashed his car and landed in rehab. The Doctor said that his liver was beginning to harden and he was at on the front side of cirrosis. I thought this was it, he was going to change. After being in rehab for 30 days the first thing he did when he got out was buy a pack of smokes and a bottle of liquor. Anyway, kinda off point, so I'll get back to it, it was that day that I was hurt to the point of no return, crushed more so than ever before, I wasn't his fiancee, his fiancee was at the bottom of that bottle, and I had to face that reality and leave. I don't know the details of your relationship, but I do know for me, this realization was the deepest hurt I have ever felt. I would have went the long haul with him, I loved him unconditionally and that love was not enough. To this day (this was about 7 years ago) he lives alone with his gf named vodka and it is the saddest thing ever. I think how could someone pass up a life full of love for a bottle of booze. I still do not have full understanding and even tho I am very happily married, that daunting question still burns inside of me, hopefully your blogs will bring me to a new understanding of the mind of an addict and my comments can help you come to a new understanding of the other side of your addiction. Blessings. Michele Foreman-Boggus