Smile and Eyes.....

   Writers block sucks, never thought I would have it, considering the fact that I have written more in the past year than I did my entire career of high school.  But the subject of Smile and Eyes has me thinking a bit more clear these days.  It has become kind of fetish of mine lately and after just attending my 25th high school reunion, well it really hit home.  We all change, some lose hair, some get grey, some get skinny and some gain weight but Smiles and Eyes don't change, I looked in the eyes of many old friends this weekend.  The familiarity of a persons face becomes a deep seated feeling when you see that one moment, it's candid, you cant make it happen, it just happens in an instant, it makes you remember why that person be it a man or a woman, is still a person that you want to be around.  Someone to share a drink with, Someone to miss when your gone for a couple days, or for 20 years. It takes a while to figure out what that one flash of time means, but when you see it, you know....

Changing subject.

Some of you know that I have been in transition for some time, well it seems that today just may be the one year aniversary...Seems odd to think that it could happen so fast, Seperate, move, get moved, settle in and move again....anyway today I realized that I am following a story line that some of you may not care about,  wouldn't really say care other than some have said "who cares"  well in this case I care.  I am doing property maintenance right now and see my self between two worlds.  The one I left a year ago and the one I am living right now.  I visit the old life on occasion, and am reminded of the comforts of a long built life, but then I also visit the life of today, and am reminded of a contrite exsistance that I am trying to grow out of.  I deal with people on a daily basis who can't change a light bulb and I wonder if they are that stupid or that lonely, that they just need me to be in thier house for an hour giving them somenone to talk to.  Then I wonder where will my life move me to in the next chapter.  What I do know is this.  You can fix your problems 9 out of 10 times, just by trying, and here a year later, I have fixed 8 out of 10 of mine, not quite to par as I pointed out, I'm still working on number 9 and may sometime get to number 10 but know this for sure.(fo sho)  I have moved beyond the regret phase of this mourning and am moving to the I'm done talking about it phase.  Future blogs when they come will be about things other than my past life and who I was because these days I have a hard time remembering who I was, but am working my ass off to figure out who  I am becoming.

Lyrical thoughts

We could have had it all.....But I took the time to ruin it.  many times in my writings I have shown the victim....why me... why am I like this and why do you stay with me.  Yes these blogs are writings to a woman I loved for many years, you the reader are the audience.  These are not things that should be public knowledge, they are not things that I wish to share with anyone but her, but since I can't bring myself to the healing point with her I would rather let them be out for everyone to relate to.

My timline is truth, my childhood was filled with the same shit that most of you endured.  You have told me that you relate to what I am writing because you lived the same issues.  I appreciate that you can relate.  I really do. but what I still don't understand is the other side.  If you are following my posts you probably relate to the "been there done that" side of the post,

But for those of you that are following because you are in love with someone like me I want you to let me know why. I drunk, no thats not a typo, but more like a statement of fact.  I don't drink to enjoy I drink to get drunk, and I know that I am not the best person to be around when I have been "drunking"...I have been told that I am a fun person to be around when I drink, but not the same person when I am making the decision to "drunk"...I smoke, and in todays world that is equal to being an outcast.  I met a guy a few years back...his name was Jack.  he smokes.  we related our smoking, and we agreed that in the world of addiction, smoking is the least offensive.  Yes we smell at the end of the day and yes we probably don't plan on running for our health, but we can shower, and we can walk, and if we die of cancer, you were right, but if we live to be 100 we smoked and we enjoyed it.

 Now the gambling issue.  this is the one I can't wrap my head around.  I don't want to be broke, I don't want to make excuses, but damn it I want to risk it.  Simply put I can figure out a way to come up with the living expense even if it is at your expense.  It is you the Addicted to me person that I rely on to get by to the next paycheck.  You pay my bills, you believe my lies (eventhough I know you don't believe them) and you don't ask questions about how or why I could be broke again.  You have seen the check come in and then didn't ask where the money went..Why????   Be constructive on this one, I am not looking for condolence or for forgiveness, I am looking for some solid answers.  When it comes to money why do you stay with or love a person who dumps it daily at the tables????  and no I didn't just come from the casino, I am just putting this out so I can get some clarity on what could stop the trend.

The High School years Part 1.....

I started writing about my life in hopes that it would lead someone who read my first blog to realize what being addicted to an addict was all about.  I am beginning to realize that as I write these I am finding that my first posts "are" me, but who I was is just the opposite I was clearly not only an addict but I too was addicted to an addict. 

High School.....basically the best of the worst times in any ones life.  Yes the cliche is that it was the best of times it was the worst of times but when I say it out loud I realize that we remember the best of our "worst" times in our lives.  We remember our first love, for some of us our first 2 or 3 loves, we remember that day on the Sr. lawn sitting in the sun looking up at the 60 foot pine and wondering "who actually cut the top of that tree", we remember the best.....of our worst times.

We didn't look forward to our first day of high school, not the way we said we did, we didn't like everyone we knew, the way we said we did, and I surely (note I was going to say we here but I can't speak for everyone) didn't have the home life that I said I did. 

My brother was off to be an adult after graduation.  So there I was a freshman after mill in, getting only 4 of the 7 classes I really wanted, not having a clue where any of them were. I am sure I missed every other class after home room for the first week until I could figure out the map.  The map in my freshman orientation binder that I was afraid to carry because of the consequences of being caught with a freshman packet by anyone older and in a higher grade.

My freshman year started off rough, I was a misfit in a crowd of many misfits all of us looking for new approval, hell we were all famous in Jr. High, but now we were at the bottom of the barrel in the freshman parade.  By this point in my life I had realized I could handle most anything if I was high.  Smoking pot was an out for many but my history with it was a little different.

OK this is one of those truths that have kept me from posting lately because if I am going to do this I need to be honest.  But I did things later in life that would contradict this issue and many more to come.  Things I said to people who made job decisions, who made life decision. who made relationships, will most likely contradict this fact.  I made a deal when I was 6 that I would quit smoking pot.....No its not a typo when I was 6.  I joke about this a lot with people who know me and who know my mother but the fact is back in the early 70s hippy parents didn't think of benedryl as the cure all for a hyper child, but learned early on that a puff of smoke in the face would put a grumpy kid to sleep in no time. 

(I want to justify this I really do but the fact is this, if I try justifying this and protecting her actions, I am simply showing addiction to my addict mother,  in this case I will let you draw your own conclusions.)

So as you can imagine I didn't smoke out as a habit at that age, I didn't have a dealer, I didn't have access I just seemed to always be around when the pipe was lit in our house.  I imagine there were many years that I never smoked, but I know that in my freshman year I did.  I stole small amounts of pot from the in house stash just to keep me and a select few stoned when being a freshman got a little out of control.

This was the beginning of the best of the worst years of my life.

A Tribute to a beautiful soul

I am jumping way ahead right now only because of the situation.  I want to express to everyone that a friend of mine died just before Christmas the details are vague as to why she died, but she died and when that happens you have to take a step back and ask yourself "Why".  Not the question of how but the question of why her and not someone else, not you, not me but why her.  Two beautiful kids both college age one graduated this year back in June.  "Why" 

I think I said a few days ago that my brother noted that I had stopped crying as a kid when I found out that my grandfather had died.  Well I cried yesterday, I had my days back in May and June when I cried out of self pity and how could I put myself in this position, blah blah, but yesterday I "cried" for the right reason, a person I knew, (not a close friend, or girlfriend) but a person I knew DIED.  I have experienced death over the years, probably more than most after being in the Marines, I didn't get emotional over any of them.  My Father died and I went hunting the same day, my Uncle died and I don't think I blinked, My Grandmother died and I couldn't look at her body in the morgue.  But a person who took the time reach out to me when my life was spiraling south, Died.  I had to take note.  I would have attended her funeral and her reception if I had to walk to get there.

I met her sisters, or probably re-met her sisters, I met her husband, and most importantly I met her kids, she shines through them you can tell that she did it right. she was a force of a mother, she raised her kids to a level of responsibility that most kids these days don't have.    One son, One daughter, both looking at the future and not having a mom to call on.  I am 42 and my mother is still around so I am having a hard time understanding this.  I called my friend the week before she died and left her a voice mail,  I asked how she was and wondered why she never responded.....I assumed she was busy. 

Take the time to think about your one friend, the one you take for granted.  Don't let the voice mail be your last attempt to contacting them, because as I found out in the middle of December your voice mail may go unanswered......

Jumping the time line, had a thought..."Its not about the Money, it's about the Game"

Give credit to some writer somewhere who gave that line to Michael Douglass in Wall Street, Money never sleeps.....OK the legal part is over now the funny thing is this, I quoted this line while watching the movie for the first time because I have lived it.  Gamblers don't don't care about the money, we want to win, we really do, we know we can win, and we will continue to prove this point until we have no money left to prove it with.  I have sat in a casino for 20+ hours str8, only getting up to use the bathroom or to have a smoke,  I have joked that I didn't even know they served food in Reno...But what it comes down to is the simple fact that it isn't about the money, its about the game.  A game that has cost me hundreds of thousands over the past 20 years.  I intend to delve into this isse in great detail but wanted to catch that thought while it was fresh. 

If you are trying to understand a gambler....you have to understand that one key point.  From there we can build but if you don't accept that one fact you will enable and you will excuse the behavior.  It took her 16 years to figure that one out.  I hope it doesn't take you as long.

losing followers, means I'm losing my focus...pay attention people I am getting the part where I probably met you and you know nothing about me.

So 6th grade sucked.....blah blah it did for you too I know, but the interesting thing is if I know you I probably met you around this time.  Yes many of you were with me in the early days, 3rd grade on but many of you joined up with me when we started Jr. High.  all the elementary schools merged that year into one melting pot. 
I don't know if it was the summer before 7th grade or in the middle of the 6th, but as you know I had been expelled and sent back to the elementary school, the next year I moved back to the Jr. High and was just like every other kid, except I liked to drink.  I had friends that liked to things that werent allowed also but chewing a pinch of snuff behind the back stop wan't the worlds worst crime.  "you know who you were" .

SIDE NOTE:  Your secrets are safe with me, I know who I did these things with, I know who I didn't do these things with but I will not "out" anyone in this blog, this is about you understanding me not me telling others about you.

7th. grade was when I met some of my best friends that I still have to this day, I remember being part of a group for the first time and I remember not being part of that same group.  My weekdays were hanging out with the Clique.... then my weekends were spent doing things that I wanted to do, Skating was one of those things and I can tell you that I was the only one of my "friends" that was willing to that , so I had more than one set of friends, weekday and weekend.
Note that at this time I was attending Alateen meeting every tuesday and met new people, many of whom I ran into on a daily basis, it was good to know that I wasn't alone.  I attended AA meetings with my grandmother, not as often as Alateen but she knew there were problems and she had been sober for 35 years so when she said "we are going" we went...homework done or not.
Somewhere along this line we moved out of the Auburn house and in with friends, I don't know the dates but I do know I was still in Jr. High, I remember because one day I missed the bus and jogged to school, yup I jogged.  we live off of Shirland Tract and I jogged to E.V.Cain.  this only means something to people who know Auburn, but it is a long way for a 7th grader to trek and get to school semi on time.
Moving on.  the remaining two years before High School were kind fo boreing Ill get into that mess in the next post.

I wanted to get past this childhood crap for those of you who didn't actually take an interest in it.  I think in the next few posts I shall go into my addiction of people who were addicted to me during this time and what I had to do to insure they stayed around.

First time I got caught drinking

Some of you know this story and others don't, but I had taken the time to plan a chance to get drunk, I mean get real drunk mostly to just see what it was like.  I had drank before but in this case I decided I would pay my brothers buddy to pick me up a bottle of Jack Daniels, I would stash it and take it on the ski trip.  To this point I don't think I had ever really thought about drinking ahead of time.  It just happened, if it was available I would drink with friends, or steal a beer from the fridge when there was a 24 pack etc.   This however was going to be my break out drinking challenge......

The night before was easily one of the worst fights that my mother and step dad had, things were broken, yelling was at a prime and in the end my mother ended up in the hospital with a couple of broken fingers and our dining room ended with a broken window which he had put her head through,  that was the last thing I remember before falling asleep. 

I packed up for the ski trip, which as I recall my brother drove me to the school and dropped me off, and while I waited to board the bus I made the mistake of showing someone what was in my ski boot.  Well while we waited to leave I was called off the bus and told to empty my ski boots, I got busted, they called my mom to pick me up but she was getting her hand taken care of so my brother had to come get me.  The following Monday I was "Expelled"  actually kicked out of the school and sent back to the elementary school to finish 6th. Grade.  My behavior didn't get much better that year and neither did the home life. 

gearing up for the following chapters, but I must say one thing

I opened a door when I started this thing, and I know that some of you are offended by it, some are intrigued by it and some are watching me tighten the rope around my life.  Tonight I had a the first encounter with my blog being used as a public insult, I want you to read, I want you to learn from my mistakes but if you need to use my blog as your soapbox to put me down....I welcome it.... Like I said in the beginning this isn't going to be for everyone and not everyone will learn from my mistakes but if my blog is being held against me, then I know that what I have said or what I will say has the interest of many at hand. 

Jr. High and High School are coming and I won't name names but this is where is it gets good.

back on subject, addicted to an addict

A lot of people have asked me to get back on track with the subject that I started with, and honestly I think what I have said so far has been on subject if you want to understand me.  In order to understand "your" addict you will need to understand me because I am him or her.  I am that guy who didn't show up for a dinner party that was planned.  I am the guy who didn't have the mortgage, and I am the guy who crashed the car that time.  I know that some of the previous posts don't make a lot of sense other than a timeline of events but I'm getting there. 

Dion

response to questions. I know there is a way to do this individual but I can t figure it out

I started drinking before drinking, I had an older brother and he had "friends" who could be bought, so that is where it came from.  I don't remember our house ever having liquor, just beer so I must have got it from one of his friends.  as for smoking that didn't start until he move out and left a pack of cloves in his dresser that I found and tried.

Taking the day off from blogging, Happy New Year