Being new to the blog idea, I don't whether to comment back to each of you personally or in a forum so today I shall choose the forum, Unless someone asks directly for me to respond privately. The issues that I am trying to raise are that if you see me once in a while or even during a good streak you most likely wouldn't notice the Addictions that I hold, I may go outside to have a smoke, or I may only order one drink in the restaurant, but truth be told I probably had a smoke on the way and most likely had a drink before I left. Jd, I actually think I didn't do either of those things when we met because I wanted to appear "normal" when meeting your husband, I beacame very good at hiding my issues long ago, but my thought on this blog is more about those who are addicted to people like me. I don't understand it, and I don't think that Co Dependance is the proper description, Dreamnblueyes said something that my previous girlfriend said almost to the T. She said that she stays there during the bad times because she knows the good times are so much better. I believe I am a good person, but I also know that my addictions can cause much hurt to those around me, but I also know that I am able to make it better sometimes by avoiding those behaviors when need be. I had a thought that I lived by when I wanted to be that good person. I knew that I never made a good decision when I was drinking, and I knew I hardly ever went gambling when I was sober so I was able to kill 2 birds with one stone. It is these two addictions that were the root of probably 90% of my relationship issues. To comment on your question about a habit vs. an addiction I have found that habits don't tend to interest me too much, someone once told me that smoking was a disgusting habit....I thought about it for second and responded with if it were just a habit I would have quit long ago. some addictions don't hurt anyone, not even yourself but in my case I didn't make good choices when I was looking for my addictions. Many people choose the line of saying well my parents were alcholics, or drug addicts, or gamblers and in my case I had the full gambit. I did the Alanon and Alateen programs in highschool at the request of a professional. I don't think it hurt anything but I also think that it made it perfectly clear that it wasn't fault who they are and how they act, which also says it is only my fault for who I became.
Michaela, on the issue of gambling, I have done much research into why I gamble, from getting a book on how to handicap horses when I was young, to seeing the lights and hearing the bells in the casinos, and when I started to gamble in casinos many years ago I did the limited bankroll idea so I wouldn't be broke and not be able to pay rent or a car payment, but then it seemed that when I would go I really didn't care if I lost. The allure of the lights and bells went away but the allure of the lifestyle and maybe hitting that one big one that even I could't lose in one night overcame my thoughts about gambling. I have lost mortgage payments, car payments, credit card payments, the money I had to buy a birthday gift, etc. I don't go to casino's to be social, I go to be served, everyone is your best friend, you get drinks, you get dinners free rooms etc. but in reality what you get is sucked into the glam, and I don't know how my thousands of dollars that free room has cost me. But again sometimes you go when your happy, and more often than not you go when you are not. If a commission check doesn't cover the mortgage then why not try to double it? that was my reasoning for a long time, it might still be. And for 16 years str8 she stayed with me mostly because she knew the better part of me. I'm not sure at all times I did know the better part of me and that is an issue I am working on. I would like to discuss these issues with each of you if you have the time and the interest.
I will definitely be reading your blog! It may be teaching me new things I should know while being married to an addict! Thanks for doing this!
ReplyDeleteI will defInetly be reading your blog too. I too think you are a good person, I think that for the most part most of us are, but being a good person isn't enough sometimes. That's the hard part. I'll respond if I think I have sonething pertainent to add. It may not always be what you want to hear, I dont know if you have figured out yet what my belief system is, but I try not to ram it down people's throats. I try to live my life as a Christian, and if you want to hear or know what I think about something I'll be willing to share. I won't demand you believe what I do, doesn't work anyway. I think you are doing great with this, I'd love to be on this journey with you!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the direct response. When I picked you up from the airport - yes there was 'a bit amiss'. Are you addicted to smoking, yes. I'll give you that. From what you've said above about gambling, probably. (probably definitely) -- As to making a good impression, you were nervous. I have more to tell, but for that I will shift to pm. I'm not sure how much you want here. I do like the forum, and you are right, when it is an answer to one person, but it furthers the whole conversation, it goes to the blog.
ReplyDeleteIf your blog is really to be about understanding the otherside then it will in some part be about those who reply. Perhaps by not being involved with you the same way, we can approach the subject and articulate in a way that is beneficial to both (all) parties. Just word of caution, they aren't her words. The only one that can repair and articulate that specific relationship is the two of you. This is surrogate, and hopefully healthy, but doesn't take the place of.
I would like to hear others chime in on what crosses the line to addiction. Anyone on leaving (or being left) at 16 years would be depressed, that doesn't make them a depressive. Drinking the amount discussed even for a month straight doesn't necessarily make one an alcoholic. Not shakes or other signs symptoms either. It is inside, but I'd like to hear what it is that you think makes it different from a bad spell or a binge or any number of other phrases I could put here.
Kristin, you are welcome to comment on anything anytime, I didn't start this to not listen to other peoples perspectives. thank you for taking the time to read it and for your comments.
ReplyDeleteSorry I missed the original, but very happy I caught this one (and went back to catch up)! Had I seen your FB post, I would have commented as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm an addict, who has been clean for over 16 years. I had actually alienated all of those who had attempted to love me through it or in spite of it and ended up on the street.
I got clean in a 12 step program and continue to participate, but more on a service level: meaning that I don't go because I'm afraid I'll relapse if I don't, but because I have somehow become the kind of person who likes to help others.
The point of that (longer than planned) intro is to point out that I have done a LOT of study into what the 'line' is that separates a habit from an addiction. It involves both physiology, psychology and, for lack of a better word, spirituality. I'm always amazed when I consider that addiction is one of the few diseases/conditions that causes more pain and suffering to the loved ones than the person with the disease: The addict is often numb or oblivious to it.
What I find about the people who stay with active addicts is that they, too have a form of addiction. Not as much research has been done, so it's purely speculation, but I believe that there is a biochemical reaction that they have to the relationship: Like adrenaline releases when something really good happens, or when they find out the house payment is gone... totally different situations but the adrenaline high feels the same biologically.
Then there is the psychological aspect, where they know that they could/should do better, but... much like an addict when coming down. But then the fear sets in: fear of loneliness, fear of change, fear of the unknown, etc. And often it is easier to continue on than to overcome that fear. Add to the fear, love (a great dopamine release) and it becomes even easier to stay.
Very insightful blog, Dion. I may have to head back to FB and check out that old post... Keep it up!